Men and the MRS GPS

Finalist in Aug/Sept '08 "America's Funniest Humor!" Writing Contest held by HumorPress.com

What do you get the man who has everything? It was my husband’s birthday last week and being the gadget guy that he is (aren’t they all?), I thought it was time he had his own Global Positioning System (GPS).

Men love GPS systems because it gives them a legitimate reason for not asking for directions from gas station attendants anymore. A GPS makes them self sufficient navigators and supposedly accurate in finding any point of interest anywhere in the world. So, I called my sister to see if her husband had a GPS.

“No, he doesn’t have one, but I have one in my car,” she tells me.

“You do?” I ask. “And how often do you use it?”

“I’ve never turned it on since I’ve owned the car,” she says.

Ah-ha! Another woman who doesn’t see the attraction in an on-demand map generator. If I wanted to find out how to get to a new place, I would simply go to the computer and print out the map. I thought I was so hi-tech and quite a step up from the “old fashioned” method of calling the store on the telephone and actually speaking to a live person, asking for directions and writing them down on paper with a #2 lead pencil.

Upon opening his gift, we all walked outside and stood in the middle of the street. Dan says “Look at that, it followed us down the driveway.”

As he and our daughters were fixated on the little animated car on the screen I couldn’t help feeling a little sarcastic. Not wanting to spoil the joy for the kids, I said “Ok, everyone look up to the sky and wave.” Caught up in all the technological excitement of the moment, they actually did it.

I don’t know if they expected the car on the screen to shake its tires and smile, but we continued on our walk as it instructed us. This was the same route we had taken almost every night in our neighborhood for the last three years. We could do it with out eyes closed. But of course, tonight we had to wait for the GPS to tell us which way to go if we ever wanted to see our humble abode again.

After my husband’s first day home from work with his new toy, he informed me “Lola” got mad at him.

“Who is Lola?” I ask.

“It’s my GPS, she is the voice who tells me where to turn, and when I don’t go where she tells me, she has to reroute her directions to accommodate my new route. That ticks her off,” he smirks.

Ticks HER off? Heaven forbid we tick Lola off. Hey, I’ve got a request. Can Lola pinpoint your dirty black socks around the house and show you the most direct route to the hamper? Let’s have her do THAT task, huh mister? Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or should I say tap that on your touch screen and hit enter.

Speaking of upgrades, I wonder if he has found the spousal birthday/anniversary reminder feature yet. It goes something like this:

Wife’s birthday in two weeks. Review hint list. Birthday in one week. Purchase everything on hint list. Birthday tomorrow. Stop at Walgreens and get card. Don’t forget to get a card from the dog. Stop at bank for mad money to go inside card. Wrap all presents. Hang streamers. Pick up chocolate cake/white icing with pink roses she ordered. Kiss her gently on the cheek and tell her she doesn’t look a day over twenty-five.

I call it the MRS GPS.