As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 9/17/11
As I look around my house, I am putting things on a mental list of what I want to sell, keep, giveaway and just plain have to throw away.
After never getting past 2 end tables, I realize I can’t do the mental list anymore, and have reverted to writing everything down.
But before I can post my things on Craigslist or ebay, I have to first write an inviting description like everyone else does who wants to sell something in the paper or online.
Unrehearsed and unintentional as they may be, the intricacies of human language may have fouled up the writers of the following classified ads, or perhaps it was just a case of pure ignorance on their part. Either way, below are some actual lines from past classified ads, and I guarantee at least one will make you smile.
-"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
-“2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
-“Great Dames for sale."
-"Lost Cocktail."
-"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
-"Free ducks. You catch."
-"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
-"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
-"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
-"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
-"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
-"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
-"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
-"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
-"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
-"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
-“Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
-"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
-"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
-"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
-"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
-"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
-"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
-"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
-"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
-"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
-"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
-“We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
-"Tattoos done while you wait."
-"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
-"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
-"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
-"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
-"To let: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
-"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
-"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
-"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
-"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
-"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
-"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
-"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
-"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
Quote of the Week: “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” -Mark Twain
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Smack Dab in the Middle of a Male Bonding Experience
As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 9/10/11
This one goes under the category of live and learn.
I’ve been to professional football games, I went to all the Ohio U. football games when I was in college, so it’s not like I just fell off the turnip truck. But you would have thought that last Saturday when I went to my first UNM football game.
I had a reason to go other than for the sport. No, I am not particularly a football fan, but I was caught clapping, cheering and yelling, “run, run, run” by my youngest daughter more than once during the game I’ll admit.
It was the Lobos season opener, but more importantly, it was my eldest daughter’s first time performing with the UNM Spirit Marching Band, and as a parent I couldn’t miss that. But I came close.
First of all, I wish someone would have told me that you have to be at the stadium for the pre-game show. I didn’t even know what a pre-game show was until 2:45pm my daughter texted me and said, “You’ll be here at 3 for the pre-game right? You can’t miss that.”
I finished blow drying my hair, put the dryer down, texted her back and said, “Almost there.”
I was planning on getting to the stadium at 3:30, that would have given me a half an hour to park, get tickets and find my seat. Plenty of time I thought until I got just below the Big I and found myself inching my way down the highway because it seemed everyone else in the world was going to the same game.
It took an hour to make the trip, it took another 20 minutes to park, another 10 minutes to walk to the stadium, and another hour to wait in line to buy our tickets. I should have known better when a friend asked me earlier in the week if I had bought my tickets yet.
As my youngest daughter and I waited in the ticket line with parched throats and soar feet, all I could wonder was why would women wear 5” heels and mini skirts to a Saturday afternoon football game and would we even make it inside to see the halftime performance?
Once inside, little did I know we were about to sit smack dab in the middle of a Saturday afternoon male bonding ritual.
My daughter and I found our seats behind the goal posts and tried to fit in amongst the screaming men dressed in red and foaming at the mouths. Whenever the Lobos made a good play and God help us a goal, all the men high fived each other, nodded in agreement and acted like they were best friends who all came in the same car. How can 37,000 men all know each other?
The marching band was great, the cheerleaders were great, oh and yes, the football game was great, even though we lost. Next time I will buy my tickets in advance, leave the house much earlier and wear red. There’s nothing to this college football stuff.
Quote of the Week: “Everyone’s a Lobo, woof, woof, woof.”- Lobo spirit chant to be screamed with accompanying hand motion.
I’ve been to professional football games, I went to all the Ohio U. football games when I was in college, so it’s not like I just fell off the turnip truck. But you would have thought that last Saturday when I went to my first UNM football game.
I had a reason to go other than for the sport. No, I am not particularly a football fan, but I was caught clapping, cheering and yelling, “run, run, run” by my youngest daughter more than once during the game I’ll admit.
It was the Lobos season opener, but more importantly, it was my eldest daughter’s first time performing with the UNM Spirit Marching Band, and as a parent I couldn’t miss that. But I came close.
First of all, I wish someone would have told me that you have to be at the stadium for the pre-game show. I didn’t even know what a pre-game show was until 2:45pm my daughter texted me and said, “You’ll be here at 3 for the pre-game right? You can’t miss that.”
I finished blow drying my hair, put the dryer down, texted her back and said, “Almost there.”
I was planning on getting to the stadium at 3:30, that would have given me a half an hour to park, get tickets and find my seat. Plenty of time I thought until I got just below the Big I and found myself inching my way down the highway because it seemed everyone else in the world was going to the same game.
It took an hour to make the trip, it took another 20 minutes to park, another 10 minutes to walk to the stadium, and another hour to wait in line to buy our tickets. I should have known better when a friend asked me earlier in the week if I had bought my tickets yet.
As my youngest daughter and I waited in the ticket line with parched throats and soar feet, all I could wonder was why would women wear 5” heels and mini skirts to a Saturday afternoon football game and would we even make it inside to see the halftime performance?
Once inside, little did I know we were about to sit smack dab in the middle of a Saturday afternoon male bonding ritual.
My daughter and I found our seats behind the goal posts and tried to fit in amongst the screaming men dressed in red and foaming at the mouths. Whenever the Lobos made a good play and God help us a goal, all the men high fived each other, nodded in agreement and acted like they were best friends who all came in the same car. How can 37,000 men all know each other?
The marching band was great, the cheerleaders were great, oh and yes, the football game was great, even though we lost. Next time I will buy my tickets in advance, leave the house much earlier and wear red. There’s nothing to this college football stuff.
Quote of the Week: “Everyone’s a Lobo, woof, woof, woof.”- Lobo spirit chant to be screamed with accompanying hand motion.
Just Call Me Deborah
As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 9/3/11
As working women, we compete with men and that infuriating glass ceiling. We aim for degrees in fields that we’re told are higher earning, like nursing or physics so we can be sure to support ourselves.
But what gives one woman more earning potential than the next? An advanced degree? Friends in high places? Luck?
In honor of Labor Day and all the hard working women out there, past, present and future, I think its time to get down to the nitty gritty and tell the real reasons that make some women more successful than others.
Joyce Wu compiled research statistics together in her article The Women with the Highest Earning Potential and explains why a blonde, Asian, non-smoking pharmacist named Deborah is probably making more than you.
The women with the highest earning potential share similarities that may surprise you.
Deborah. The top female CEO names in ranked order are Deborah, Sally, Debra, Cynthia and Carolyn.
Keep your name. Women who keep their maiden names tend to earn $500,000 more over their lifetimes than those who change their names when they get married.
Asian. Asian families earned a median income of $73, 578. White families rank second at $65,000, Hispanic families at $40,466 and black families at $39, 879.
Birthplace. 36% of U.S. children who are born into families in the highest income tax bracket will stay in that bracket as they become adults. Westlake, Texas tops the list as the most affluent neighborhood in the U.S.
Beautiful. Beautiful women earn about 5% more than average looking women, and women with below average looks make 9% less than their ordinary girl friend.
Left-Handed. Left-handed people earn 5% more per hour than right handed people. This effect is more pronounced in men.
Non-smoker. The net worth of non-smokers is $8,300 higher than heavy smokers.
Eldest Child. The eldest child in the family is the most likely to earn a six figure salary.
Pharmacist. Female pharmacists have the highest median weekly earnings among women, earning $1,647 every week.
MBA. A woman with a professional degree will earn, on average, $4.4 million over a lifetime, compared to $1.2 million for a high school graduate.
Blonde. Blonde women in the UK make more than their brunette counterparts or red heads.
5’10”. Tall people make more money. Every extra inch is worth an extra $1,000 per year in wages.
Assertive. Mean girls earn more, on average about 5% more a year than those of us who just want to get along with everyone.
Drinker. According to a study by the Journal of Labor Research shows women drinkers earn 14% more than teetotalers. Oh, waiter?
Thin is in. Women considered “very thin” (25 pounds less than average) make $22,000 more every year than their co-workers of normal weight.
Does this mean that an agreeable mid-western, right handed, middle child doesn’t stand a chance against a tall, beautiful, bitchy, boozing woman from Texas? Can’t we talk this over? I’m sure there’s been a misunderstanding.
Quote of the Week: “I do not know anyone who has gotten to the top without hard work. It will not always get you to the top, but it will get you pretty near.” -Margaret Thatcher.
As working women, we compete with men and that infuriating glass ceiling. We aim for degrees in fields that we’re told are higher earning, like nursing or physics so we can be sure to support ourselves.
But what gives one woman more earning potential than the next? An advanced degree? Friends in high places? Luck?
In honor of Labor Day and all the hard working women out there, past, present and future, I think its time to get down to the nitty gritty and tell the real reasons that make some women more successful than others.
Joyce Wu compiled research statistics together in her article The Women with the Highest Earning Potential and explains why a blonde, Asian, non-smoking pharmacist named Deborah is probably making more than you.
The women with the highest earning potential share similarities that may surprise you.
Deborah. The top female CEO names in ranked order are Deborah, Sally, Debra, Cynthia and Carolyn.
Keep your name. Women who keep their maiden names tend to earn $500,000 more over their lifetimes than those who change their names when they get married.
Asian. Asian families earned a median income of $73, 578. White families rank second at $65,000, Hispanic families at $40,466 and black families at $39, 879.
Birthplace. 36% of U.S. children who are born into families in the highest income tax bracket will stay in that bracket as they become adults. Westlake, Texas tops the list as the most affluent neighborhood in the U.S.
Beautiful. Beautiful women earn about 5% more than average looking women, and women with below average looks make 9% less than their ordinary girl friend.
Left-Handed. Left-handed people earn 5% more per hour than right handed people. This effect is more pronounced in men.
Non-smoker. The net worth of non-smokers is $8,300 higher than heavy smokers.
Eldest Child. The eldest child in the family is the most likely to earn a six figure salary.
Pharmacist. Female pharmacists have the highest median weekly earnings among women, earning $1,647 every week.
MBA. A woman with a professional degree will earn, on average, $4.4 million over a lifetime, compared to $1.2 million for a high school graduate.
Blonde. Blonde women in the UK make more than their brunette counterparts or red heads.
5’10”. Tall people make more money. Every extra inch is worth an extra $1,000 per year in wages.
Assertive. Mean girls earn more, on average about 5% more a year than those of us who just want to get along with everyone.
Drinker. According to a study by the Journal of Labor Research shows women drinkers earn 14% more than teetotalers. Oh, waiter?
Thin is in. Women considered “very thin” (25 pounds less than average) make $22,000 more every year than their co-workers of normal weight.
Does this mean that an agreeable mid-western, right handed, middle child doesn’t stand a chance against a tall, beautiful, bitchy, boozing woman from Texas? Can’t we talk this over? I’m sure there’s been a misunderstanding.
Quote of the Week: “I do not know anyone who has gotten to the top without hard work. It will not always get you to the top, but it will get you pretty near.” -Margaret Thatcher.
Here Comes the Rain Again
As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 8/27/11
Everyone is talking about the thunderstorm last Wednesday night just as much as the people on the east coast are talking about their earthquake. No surprise there, rain in New Mexico is almost as rare as an earthquake in Virginia, isn’t it?
Our storms of late remind me of this story I first told you about in July 2006 during that summer’s monsoons.
Being from the Midwest, I was raised with weather. After spending many years under serene Californian skies, I grew to really miss these wonders of nature.
My grandmother taught me, my brother and sister how to predict the weather by the way the leaves on the trees blew in the wind. I thought that was the neatest thing. I didn’t have to wait for the radio reports on the transistor anymore.
We would watch the storms roll in off Lake Huron. “Alright, its time to get out of the water and come inside NOW” my mother would shout out to us. “Why?” was always our inane response as we would surface from the 62 degree waters of Saginaw Bay. It wasn’t but minutes once we were inside the back door, all three of us kids huddled and dripping on the 2’ x 3’ mat that the first lightening strike would hit.
One lazy summer day while looking for things to keep themselves out of trouble, my brother and his buddy built a fort on the beach. These two twelve year old general contractors scrounged up some old rusty nails and hammered my grandmother’s wool blankets into a fallen birch tree branch. In its horizontal position, the limb made a perfect master beam for the tent. They secured the bottom of the blankets in the sand by strategically placing rocks around the edges. It was as cool as my puka shell necklace wearing brother.
With afternoon came that day’s thunderstorm. Chris begged my mother to stay in the tent during the storm. “Why not, we’ll be IN the tent, we will be safe”, he argued. “Besides, I looked at the sky, this storm is just going to skirt us” he reported in his best meteorologist-in-training voice. Being ten years old, I thought he had a great point and couldn’t see how anyone would disagree with this ingenious idea. In fact, I asked if I could go too.
“No one is going to be in that tent when this storm hits” insisted my mother. End of conversation.
The leaves started to blow “that” way. The storm had arrived. Then one blinding flash and deafening clap of thunder hit simultaneously.
“Do you think it hit Klepser’s cottage?” my little sister, the youngest meteorologist-in-training gingerly inquired. Couldn’t tell, but no one was going outside until Mom gave the all-clear.
In our after-storm survey of the immediate beach area, we came upon the infamous tent. It was in a heap on the sand. The lightening had struck the tent dead on and all the nails that had been so meticulously pounded into the trunk were now red hot, strewn amongst the debris. The master beam that had held the structure so safely together was split in two lying on top of the blankets. The once thought safe haven was practically smoldering with the after affects of the lightening bolt. Mom was right once again.
The advice never goes out of style: When the weather is threatening, stay inside.
Quote of the Week: “Here Comes the Rain Again” by the Eurythmics.
Everyone is talking about the thunderstorm last Wednesday night just as much as the people on the east coast are talking about their earthquake. No surprise there, rain in New Mexico is almost as rare as an earthquake in Virginia, isn’t it?
Our storms of late remind me of this story I first told you about in July 2006 during that summer’s monsoons.
Being from the Midwest, I was raised with weather. After spending many years under serene Californian skies, I grew to really miss these wonders of nature.
My grandmother taught me, my brother and sister how to predict the weather by the way the leaves on the trees blew in the wind. I thought that was the neatest thing. I didn’t have to wait for the radio reports on the transistor anymore.
We would watch the storms roll in off Lake Huron. “Alright, its time to get out of the water and come inside NOW” my mother would shout out to us. “Why?” was always our inane response as we would surface from the 62 degree waters of Saginaw Bay. It wasn’t but minutes once we were inside the back door, all three of us kids huddled and dripping on the 2’ x 3’ mat that the first lightening strike would hit.
One lazy summer day while looking for things to keep themselves out of trouble, my brother and his buddy built a fort on the beach. These two twelve year old general contractors scrounged up some old rusty nails and hammered my grandmother’s wool blankets into a fallen birch tree branch. In its horizontal position, the limb made a perfect master beam for the tent. They secured the bottom of the blankets in the sand by strategically placing rocks around the edges. It was as cool as my puka shell necklace wearing brother.
With afternoon came that day’s thunderstorm. Chris begged my mother to stay in the tent during the storm. “Why not, we’ll be IN the tent, we will be safe”, he argued. “Besides, I looked at the sky, this storm is just going to skirt us” he reported in his best meteorologist-in-training voice. Being ten years old, I thought he had a great point and couldn’t see how anyone would disagree with this ingenious idea. In fact, I asked if I could go too.
“No one is going to be in that tent when this storm hits” insisted my mother. End of conversation.
The leaves started to blow “that” way. The storm had arrived. Then one blinding flash and deafening clap of thunder hit simultaneously.
“Do you think it hit Klepser’s cottage?” my little sister, the youngest meteorologist-in-training gingerly inquired. Couldn’t tell, but no one was going outside until Mom gave the all-clear.
In our after-storm survey of the immediate beach area, we came upon the infamous tent. It was in a heap on the sand. The lightening had struck the tent dead on and all the nails that had been so meticulously pounded into the trunk were now red hot, strewn amongst the debris. The master beam that had held the structure so safely together was split in two lying on top of the blankets. The once thought safe haven was practically smoldering with the after affects of the lightening bolt. Mom was right once again.
The advice never goes out of style: When the weather is threatening, stay inside.
Quote of the Week: “Here Comes the Rain Again” by the Eurythmics.
They Grow Up So Quickly
As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 8/13/11
This week my eldest daughter and three nieces all go off to college and the rite of passage synergy has put a vapor lock on my house that only Dr. Bombay from Bewitched can remove.
I’ve been discussing this with my sister and brother for the past few weeks as they try to prepare their daughters for college as well, making sure the clothing, bedding, and all the essentials have been purchased, packed and labeled.
As parents we may be guilty of over-preparing our kids and then they end up with dorm rooms full of stuff they don’t need, but hasn’t that always been our job? Who is going to remind them to take a sweater, eat something for breakfast, study everyday and don’t talk to strangers?
Through all of this I have found websites with helpful tips to prepare kids for college. There are articles like the top 20 things you forget to bring to college, how to construct a loft bed, and how to get along with a roommate. I’ve also learned that it is cheaper to buy text books online now than in the bookstores. Times sure have changed since the best advice for buying books was ‘buy used.”
While discussing the topic of “they grow up so quickly’ with a friend back in the spring after my graduation column, I was able to commiserate with her since she went through it with her son. And although he has long graduated, her feelings of when he left the nest and headed to college were still fresh in her mind.
I told her I thought shopping for the dorm bedding would be when it would hit me. But I was wrong because we did that last week at Target and no tears were shed, other than from my youngest daughter who wanted a pillow pet for her bed too.
“Oh no,” said Cheryl my friend. “The shopping isn’t what’s emotional. Its not when you take them to campus, and get them unloaded in their dorms. It’s later when you return home and see their empty bedroom in your house. That is when it will hit you that your child has grown up and flown the nest.”
My 7 lb. 11 oz. baby girl leaves on Monday morning to pursue her nursing degree at UNM, starting bright and early at band camp. The UNM Spirit Marching band is getting a great tenor sax player from Rio Rancho and I know where I am going to be for every Lobos home football game this year.
College is the most exciting time of your life. My dad gave me that advice when I went off to school. He was right. Enjoy your college years you crazy co-eds. It really is the best time of your life.
Is it too early to pack the electric blanket?
Quote of the Week: “However painful the process of leaving home, for parents and for children, the really frightening thing for both would be the prospect of the child never leaving home.” – Robert Neelly Bellah, American Sociologist.
This week my eldest daughter and three nieces all go off to college and the rite of passage synergy has put a vapor lock on my house that only Dr. Bombay from Bewitched can remove.
I’ve been discussing this with my sister and brother for the past few weeks as they try to prepare their daughters for college as well, making sure the clothing, bedding, and all the essentials have been purchased, packed and labeled.
As parents we may be guilty of over-preparing our kids and then they end up with dorm rooms full of stuff they don’t need, but hasn’t that always been our job? Who is going to remind them to take a sweater, eat something for breakfast, study everyday and don’t talk to strangers?
Through all of this I have found websites with helpful tips to prepare kids for college. There are articles like the top 20 things you forget to bring to college, how to construct a loft bed, and how to get along with a roommate. I’ve also learned that it is cheaper to buy text books online now than in the bookstores. Times sure have changed since the best advice for buying books was ‘buy used.”
While discussing the topic of “they grow up so quickly’ with a friend back in the spring after my graduation column, I was able to commiserate with her since she went through it with her son. And although he has long graduated, her feelings of when he left the nest and headed to college were still fresh in her mind.
I told her I thought shopping for the dorm bedding would be when it would hit me. But I was wrong because we did that last week at Target and no tears were shed, other than from my youngest daughter who wanted a pillow pet for her bed too.
“Oh no,” said Cheryl my friend. “The shopping isn’t what’s emotional. Its not when you take them to campus, and get them unloaded in their dorms. It’s later when you return home and see their empty bedroom in your house. That is when it will hit you that your child has grown up and flown the nest.”
My 7 lb. 11 oz. baby girl leaves on Monday morning to pursue her nursing degree at UNM, starting bright and early at band camp. The UNM Spirit Marching band is getting a great tenor sax player from Rio Rancho and I know where I am going to be for every Lobos home football game this year.
College is the most exciting time of your life. My dad gave me that advice when I went off to school. He was right. Enjoy your college years you crazy co-eds. It really is the best time of your life.
Is it too early to pack the electric blanket?
Quote of the Week: “However painful the process of leaving home, for parents and for children, the really frightening thing for both would be the prospect of the child never leaving home.” – Robert Neelly Bellah, American Sociologist.
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