No Pun Intended

As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 9/17/11

As I look around my house, I am putting things on a mental list of what I want to sell, keep, giveaway and just plain have to throw away.

After never getting past 2 end tables, I realize I can’t do the mental list anymore, and have reverted to writing everything down.

But before I can post my things on Craigslist or ebay, I have to first write an inviting description like everyone else does who wants to sell something in the paper or online.

Unrehearsed and unintentional as they may be, the intricacies of human language may have fouled up the writers of the following classified ads, or perhaps it was just a case of pure ignorance on their part. Either way, below are some actual lines from past classified ads, and I guarantee at least one will make you smile.

-"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

-“2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

-“Great Dames for sale."

-"Lost Cocktail."

-"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

-"Free ducks. You catch."

-"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

-"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

-"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

-"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

-"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

-"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

-"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

-"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

-"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

-"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

-“Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

-"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

-"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

-"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

-"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

-"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

-"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

-"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

-"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

-"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

-"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

-“We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

-"Tattoos done while you wait."

-"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

-"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

-"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

-"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

-"To let: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

-"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

-"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

-"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

-"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

-"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

-"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

-"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

-"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

Quote of the Week: “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” -Mark Twain