I Want To Be Fly, But Not G6

As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 1/22/11

If you follow this column, then you know I have a thing about words, colloquialisms, dialects, slang and the misuse of words. I have some new words I found are being used in unacceptable ways, and it's driving me crazy.

While on the frozen food aisle at the grocery the other day, in particular the Stouffers section, I noticed a new product I hadn't seen before: Stouffer's Cheesy Spaghetti Bake. Now the last time I looked, bake was a verb, something one does to food. It is not a noun, as referenced in this case. Why don't they call it a Cheesy Spaghetti Casserole? That's what it is according to the picture. Why doesn't anyone use the word casserole anymore? Does it scream June Cleaver and black-and-white TV sets?

I continued searching for my turkey tetrazzini in the Stouffers section and came across their Steak and Swiss Stuffed Melt, right next to the ham and cheese melt. Melt, being the word in question here, refers to the condition the cheese is in. Once again, a verb is being used as a noun. The term tuna melt has always bothered me. Actually it doesn't bother me as much as patty melt. I can eat them; I just can't say the name without flinching.

My favorite has to be the term "drive safe." Your friends are wishing you well, and describing how they want you to drive away. Words that describe verbs are adverbs. Adverbs end in ly. Therefore, the correct term is "drive safely." Put an "ly" on the end of it.

For us parents out here, it is a constant struggle to continuously sound hip to our kids. There is a song my 12-year-old likes that says, "feeling so fly like a G6." It's a catchy song and one day I said, "I want to be a G6." My daughter gave me the look like I was 100 years old and said, "You better know what a G6 is before you say that."

I panicked and thought, What if a G6 is a tart from the wrong side of the tracks? Turns out "feeling so fly" supposedly means feeling cool, and G6 refers to the Gulfstream 650, the fastest and longest-range business jet available, made by Gulfstream Aerospace.

I took the Test Your Teen Slang quiz on Goodhousekeeping.com just to see if I was missing out on anything. I learned that sick means delicious, tool means stupid, and bounce means to leave in a hurry; that one I could have figured out on my own. I got most of the answers correct, and earned the title of Coolest Mom Ever.

But don't worry, I'm not about to use any of this lingo in conversation. Nothing embarrasses a teenager more than a parent who is trying too hard.

The English language is fascinating. I now know that I don't want to be a twin-engine jet airplane. But I do want to be fly.

Quote of the Week: "English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway." — Author unknown

Are You Ready for Super Bowl Sunday?

As appeard in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section January 15, 2011

The Super Bowl, the single greatest sporting event known to mankind, will be upon us in three weeks. The Super Bowl is more than a game; it's more than a football world championship. It's the Oscars for advertisers, it's payday for bookies, and it's, well, the Super Bowl for those who are actually going to the game in Dallas.

With a career in marketing and advertising, I have always found it fascinating just how much money a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl goes for every year. According to Reuters, this year's Super Bowl commercials will set you back a measly $3 million, up $400,000 from last year. Coca-Cola, Anheuser-Busch, Doritos are all expected to make an appearance. Pepsi is projected to run at least six spots. And after a two-year hiatus, GM is expected back. Now that's what this Chevy girl likes to hear.

Does anyone care about the actual game, though? I think what a lot of people care about is the carnival happenings that take place because of the game. For instance, how many of you are in an office pool?

I realize this sort of gambling is hush-hush and supposed to be on the q.t., but a lot of times it's the president of the company who is the one organizing the whole thing, am I right? And isn't it always the case that the winner of these betting circles turns out to be someone who doesn't even follow football at all? Little Tina down in human resources, who was coerced into putting her dollar in just so the last square on the page could be filled, turns out to win everyone's money. Ouch.

On Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will hold more parties in their homes than on any other day of the year, surpassing even New Year's Eve. We'll eat more food than on any single day of the year except Thanksgiving. Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for snack food consumption.

According to Sandy Moyer, cooking editor for BellaOnine, consumers spend more than $50 million each year to stock up on snacks for Super Bowl weekend. "On this unofficial National Day of Snacking, they'll typically eat over 8.5 million pounds of tortilla chips, 4,000 tons of popcorn and 14,500 tons of potato chips," says Moyer.

If you're planning a Super Bowl party, be sure to have plenty of food. How many of you are making a football-shaped meatloaf? Why not? Don't you make a heart-shaped one for Valentine's Day and a bunny for Easter? Remember to use shredded cheese to make the laces after it comes out of the oven.

I talk about the Super Bowl this weekend because if you are a true football fan, you will agree that this weekend, with four playoff games going on, is better than the Super Bowl, or so I've been told. The nonfootball person talks about the recipes; the football person talks punt, pass and kick. Can you tell which one I am?

The halftime show this year is Black Eyed Peas. Good, but they're no Bruce Springsteen.

This week's survey question: Are you going to a Super Bowl party?

Quote of the Week: "We're going to win Sunday. I guarantee it." — Broadway Joe Namath, three days before the Super Bowl game, 1969.

Turkey and Couch Potatoes

As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 1/1/11

Happy New Year and welcome to 2011. It is going to take some time to get used to that number. I know this year is going to be great, if we could just get going.

I know the snow we had Thursday doesn't even compare to what the East Coast is dealing with, and I am sure cabin fever there is at peak levels. Just because we are capable of getting out of our houses, doesn't mean that we are.

Once again, with the kids home from school, and many people home from work, the television, in all its glory, is on all the time, giving us a sampling of what is passing for entertainment these days. And I've had about all I can take.

Did you know the Maury Povich show is still on the air? I thought that show was canceled in 1985. How many times are we going to find out who's the daddy, a common segment where men submit their DNA to prove they are or are not the father of their girlfriend's baby? Paternity pandemonium persists as the daddy cam follows the boyfriend backstage to witness his pain when he finds out he isn't the baby daddy. I am watching too much TV, aren't I?

My 12-year-old daughter's favorite show is "Judge Judy," which can also draw you in because it's like watching your mother catch your brother in a bald-faced lie. "Who dropped the smoke bomb out of your bedroom window during my Garden Club luncheon today? I don't know Mom, not me." Go get 'em, Judy.

I've watched "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" a few times, too. I like her; she gives cars and money away to people who really need it. But how many times can one watch her dance across the stage? I am watching too much TV, aren't I?

And who can forget Oprah? She is launching her own network today, OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. I used to like Oprah when she was one of us and rich. Now she is one of them, and mega rich.

I've started watching "Family Guy" now, the cartoon for adults. Although my brother has been quoting this show for years, it took this last week for me to get hooked. Why am I watching Brian the talking dog date older women when I would rather be reading my new book, "Growing Up" by columnist Russell Baker? What is going on?

The marathons are the worst. There are "House" marathons, "CSI" marathons. The networks are even running movie marathons — I mean they are showing the same movie over and over. I've watched "Uncle Buck" three times now.

The local news programs have their "B" teams on the air, giving their "A" teams some vacation time. I get edgy when they fiddle with my regular anchors and weathermen. Steve Stucker, where are you?

Happy New Year, everyone. Now let's get back to work.

Quote of the Week: "I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts." — Orson Welles.