I Want To Be Fly, But Not G6

As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal Rio Rancho section 1/22/11

If you follow this column, then you know I have a thing about words, colloquialisms, dialects, slang and the misuse of words. I have some new words I found are being used in unacceptable ways, and it's driving me crazy.

While on the frozen food aisle at the grocery the other day, in particular the Stouffers section, I noticed a new product I hadn't seen before: Stouffer's Cheesy Spaghetti Bake. Now the last time I looked, bake was a verb, something one does to food. It is not a noun, as referenced in this case. Why don't they call it a Cheesy Spaghetti Casserole? That's what it is according to the picture. Why doesn't anyone use the word casserole anymore? Does it scream June Cleaver and black-and-white TV sets?

I continued searching for my turkey tetrazzini in the Stouffers section and came across their Steak and Swiss Stuffed Melt, right next to the ham and cheese melt. Melt, being the word in question here, refers to the condition the cheese is in. Once again, a verb is being used as a noun. The term tuna melt has always bothered me. Actually it doesn't bother me as much as patty melt. I can eat them; I just can't say the name without flinching.

My favorite has to be the term "drive safe." Your friends are wishing you well, and describing how they want you to drive away. Words that describe verbs are adverbs. Adverbs end in ly. Therefore, the correct term is "drive safely." Put an "ly" on the end of it.

For us parents out here, it is a constant struggle to continuously sound hip to our kids. There is a song my 12-year-old likes that says, "feeling so fly like a G6." It's a catchy song and one day I said, "I want to be a G6." My daughter gave me the look like I was 100 years old and said, "You better know what a G6 is before you say that."

I panicked and thought, What if a G6 is a tart from the wrong side of the tracks? Turns out "feeling so fly" supposedly means feeling cool, and G6 refers to the Gulfstream 650, the fastest and longest-range business jet available, made by Gulfstream Aerospace.

I took the Test Your Teen Slang quiz on Goodhousekeeping.com just to see if I was missing out on anything. I learned that sick means delicious, tool means stupid, and bounce means to leave in a hurry; that one I could have figured out on my own. I got most of the answers correct, and earned the title of Coolest Mom Ever.

But don't worry, I'm not about to use any of this lingo in conversation. Nothing embarrasses a teenager more than a parent who is trying too hard.

The English language is fascinating. I now know that I don't want to be a twin-engine jet airplane. But I do want to be fly.

Quote of the Week: "English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway." — Author unknown