A Translation of What She's Really Saying on Valentine's Day

As appeared in the Albuquerque Journal, February 13, 2010

With Valentine's Day tomorrow, I hope all of you men out there aren't waiting until tonight to go out and get a card and gift for your lovely ladies. Remember, we women are sentimental things who buy into this romantic stuff, even if the holiday was invented by greeting card companies.

If you bought jewelry and flowers for your loved one, you have nothing to worry about. But if you are questioning your choice of Valentine gift, chances are, you may hear a tone in her voice tomorrow morning that does not match the words coming out of her mouth.

Women are quite different than men, so as not to leave any confusion after the opening of the gifts tomorrow, allow me to translate some words you may hear.

1. "Fine."
If you find yourself defending the nifty rod-and-reel combo you gave her for this summer's vacation because she can catch lots of fish off the boat and cook 'em up real good in the frying pan, you may hear your darling girl respond with "fine." This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. "Five minutes."
If she is getting dressed for Valentine's brunch at the Hyatt Tamaya, you may end up waiting half-an-hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. "Nothing."
This is the calm before the storm. You asked, "Why the long face?" when she opened the fishing equipment and got this answer: "Nothing." Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

4. "Go ahead."
As in, "Go ahead and go to Steve's and watch the game. The kids and I will eat the heart-shaped meatloaf I made all by ourselves." Go ahead is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!

5. "That's OK."
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for thinking a fishing pole would be the perfect gift for her on Valentine's Day.

6. "Thanks."
When a woman says thank you, do not question it. Just say you're welcome — unless she says, "Thanks a lot," as in: "Thanks a lot for the rod-and-reel combo. It's just what I always wanted." That is pure sarcasm, and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say, "You're welcome." It will bring on a "whatever."

7. "Whatever."
Whatever is a woman's way of saying, "End of discussion; I've had it with you."

8. "Don't worry about it."
Another dangerous statement meaning she is thinking she will buy her own Valentine's present next year. The retort may have a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to No. 3.

Good luck, men. Women may be very different than you, but we really aren't that difficult to understand. We know it's the thought that counts. Valentine's Day is tomorrow; you still have time to be her knight in shining armor. Don't worry about it.

Quote of the week: "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." — Dave Barry, author, humorist.